Well, I just woke up from a nap. I’ll definitely come to regret that in the morning now.
Anyways, today was a good day… well the afternoon was. Of course, Francis and I fought last night and it spilled over into this morning as well. I hardly could remember what we fought about but oh boy, I never cried so much over a boy before. I never gotten so hurt by any past relationship until this one. Why? I’m probably growing weak. God forbid Mealea is starting to develop feelings. Letting one person affect me so much was never a plan of mine. I thought I got this all mapped out.
Never get married.
Never have children.
Never rely on anyone,
Then Francis decided to stay in my heart through everything. In the past, I would just have relationships and not think what would happen in the long run. I would always joke about getting married or living together; you know, the ideal situation when a guy and I are in that honeymoon phase. Joke. But with Francis… I meant it. We meant it. Living together, marriage, children… the whole ordeal.
And the floodgates of emotions come rushing in… and we’re not even boyfriend and girlfriend again? Stupid Mealea.
But yeah, we still decided to see each other and it was well. I never been to a fair before and I had lots of fun. Lost a lot of money… but I had fun LOL. Went on many rides, played a lot of games, and had my first ever funnel cake (:
That afternoon went well. It was local sort of so it wasn’t crowded like Carowinds would be. O and I got to ride the ferris wheel and the sight was amazing. And the little side shows were cute too. O AND THE PETTING ZOO. Even though it smelt like poop all the way through, the animals were so cute and I got to pet them :D
Overall, I had an amazing time this afternoon with him.
And now… I’m here. Napped for I don’t know how long and regretting taking that nap. I hate waking up late or waking up in the middle of the night. You just wake up in the dark… alone. It gets you thinking for awhile, you know… And of course me and thinking don’t go well together. I don’t know… I just feel lonely.
It has been quite a little while.
This past couple of days has been a roller coaster.
I came from having a dream day at prom with Francis to not wanting to be with Francis to coming back and staying. I’m such a mess. Our relationship is such a mess and I can barely comprehend it at times, but hey, both of us won’t give up on each other that easily.
I could really imagine my life with him. Silly high school girl, right? I know we have things to work out and have our own demons to face, but we’ve talked about it. For once in my life, I’m able to tell someone everything. I may not be good at expressing my thoughts, but I get to the point eventually… ^_^; I told him my deep and darkest secrets and he chose to stay. He chose to fight for me when I wanted to leave. I honestly never had that in my life before. A part of me is happy and another part of me is scared out of my mind. I don’t know how he can put up with me and my array of emotions and I’m always scared that he’d leave like I tried to.
I don’t deserve someone as good as him. He’s not exactly an angel, but he’s the one I can relate to the most and he’s… real. I’ll admit, he’s not a prince. He doesn’t have super high grades and can get into any college he wants. He doesn’t have all the money in the world. He’s not Mr. Smooth. He’s not your textbook dream guy. He is actually real. Derpy as fuck, but real haha. And i love him for that.
Whatever point I’m trying to get to, I just know that I’m glad he’s here. I’m glad I’m able to call him mine n_n
Also today, I took my AP Calc exam. Poop. Math is not me u____u;
I don’t know how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s like I’m horribly sad, but at the same time, I can be extremely happy. I don’t understand.
I’m excited for prom and I’m somewhat ready, but I just feel… sad. Francis and I have been in more and more fights and it has started to make me unhappy. I’d never want to leave him and I can’t imagine my life without him, but he’s the one that can make me the the most mad/sad.
I’m just sad. Sad to the point where I’ve been contemplating suicide again. Sad to the point where I’ve been wanting to hurt myself again. I can’t bring myself to do it, because I don’t want to lose anyone.
Today started out pretty bad (yesterday technically). Francis asked me to go to this Asian culture festival at UNCC hosted by ASA (Asian Student Association). So of course I asked my parents and of course we fought about it, since it was late and etc. I really do hate having to jump through fiery hoops just to go out. The argument got pretty bad and it gotten to the point where I just stopped caring and went anyways.
Like, really? I’m about to graduate and I have to do fight just to get out of the house on a nice day. I don’t come home pregnant. I don’t come home hopped up on drugs/drunk. Hell, I actually come home. I don’t party until 3 AM or any of that. It’s a festival at a college that I’m planning on going to.
Anyways, the ride up to UNCC was pretty quiet since I was in a horrid mood and felt like crying/breaking down. But of course, Francis made me feel better. And the rest of the evening/night was bliss. We got to see a lot of performances; one including Peter and his crew which was pretty awesome. Free Monster, which is like the best two words you can put together. And the vibe was just amazing.
Hello Asia ended around 10 PM. Francis and I walked around campus for a bit and it made me really happy. The weather was just perfect and the view of the campus looked simple, but pretty. It was pretty romantic I have to say. Ooo, plus he gave me his jacket when it got a little chilly >///< Fantasy of mine has been fulfilled~
And just holding hands, swinging back and forth, on our walk back to the car made everything so… beautiful (:
What happened was totally unplanned and I’m glad it happened. Francis told me about his old home and I said I wanted to see it… so we did. Basically had to drive back around but it was worth it. He took me to his old neighborhood and showed me where he hung out, etc. I have to admit, I was scared. Like, bad feeling in my gut scared. He didn’t exactly live a splendid childhood in a good neighborhood; so, him showing me his old neighborhood at 11 PM was scary… but I learned a lot. I learned why he is the why he is. I learned how he became who he is today and I finally understood. He drove around streets and showed me houses where his friends lived. He showed me his old house and told me stories and stuff about where he lived and so much more. Even though I was scared, I was glad he showed me and told me these things. No one has ever opened up to me the way he has and it makes me glad that I got to know him more. I still have a lot to learn about him even though I already know him for quite some time.
That took a good amount of time and I knew my parents would be mad for coming home later that I said I would, but it was ok. It was well worth it. Everything was worth it tonight (:
So here’s to the third day of Spring Break and I have yet to do anything a 17 yr. old teenager would do. All I’ve done is League and trying to find another game to play v_v; Poo~
Anyways, I got accepted to ECU and UNCC and plan on going to UNCC. It’s nice that I don’t have to stress over that for right now. My parents are flaming that I’m not going to NC State. Thing is… I didn’t apply >_> Hehe. I just told them that I didn’t get accepted. Yes, they got angry, but I think they would be more angry that I didn’t apply. Still, I got a college to go to and that’s fine by me; taking it one step at a time. Granted it’s not a big step, but I’m sure I’ll get to big places one day.
Hm, sometimes I wish we were friends again. Just friends. It’s quite confusing addressing you as my boyfriend, but you’re technically not. At the same time, you’re more to me than just a friend, so I just stick with calling you my boyfriend. Stupid, confusing Mealea. You’re much more to me than just a friend, but I still feel that it’s not the appropriate time to date again. Just something in my gut wished that we were just friends again and nothing more. Sounds harsh and I don’t regret anything that happened to our growing relationship, but I missed the memories back then I guess one can say. The times where we were at arm’s length and we would tease each other and not expect much. It was nice back then. We just chilled instead of trying so hard to please each other. There wasn’t any sexual jokes or any romance being shown, just best friends looking out for each other. I miss it some days. Alas, those days are kind of over and here we are. I don’t dislike it or anything and I’m quite fond of it. It’s just nostalgia I guess.
Just got back from hanging out with very lovely people: Francis, Danny, Heather, Andrew, Bao, James, Chuck, Aivy, and Tommy. It was a nice and chill day that I enjoyed. All we did for the most part is make song covers, thrift shop, and eat haha.
This week has been a roller coaster of emotions.
Francis and I broke up and it hurt me. Like… crying for hours and the whole night hurt me. I’m glad that people cared enough to talk to me about it, especially Danny and Rachel. And I can’t forget Dom and Kayla trying to cheer me up. It made me realize that I didn’t lose ALL of my friends. Still, a lot of thinking made me see that I burned my bridges with most of the world to be Francis and it hurt me in the end.
Some people may be wondering why we’re still close and act like nothing happened. We chose to work it out/working it out. Yes. A lot of people want us to work out, so I’m giving it another shot. Yes. We’re still broken up, but I do want him. I want him with all of my heart, but it won’t happen until some things need to be proven.
In the end, I just needed a breather. I just need to chill and let things come to me instead of being so impatient and selfish about things. I still hate finding myself asking to hang out with him and such, but I’m trying to just chill when it comes to that.
Hopefully things will go well and both of us can learn from this experience.
But yeah, the beginning/middle of this week was really… shitty. Shitty, but learned a lot. Then it got better. Francis and I talked about all of our problems, I got a 100 on my math test (so so happy about that!), and finally have all A’s in my class right now. Plus, today was great, so this week ended off on a good note (:
I swear I need to go to a psychologist or something. Before, I despised them because they never helped me. They never helped me because I was too young to know any better; all I knew that they were big bad adults that were asking questions, always using me… always using me to get something.
Now… I don’t know. I’m desperate to see what’s really wrong with me. Why do I get like “this” every fucking day for the past few years. Before, it was controllable. I could just go home and let all the emotions consume me and I’d look fine in front of everyone. Now… I can hardly control it. It has gotten so bad to the point where I can’t stop myself from feeling like shit in public and around the people I care about.
I know it frustrates them or worries them, but I don’t know. I honestly don’t know why I am being like that or how it got to be that way. I hate people seeing me sad and it got so much more frequent, which makes things more frustrating and dsipfhdspih. It’s like an endless cycle in my brain that never just calms down.
Don’t get me wrong, I can be happy as well. Even so, easy as that comes, easy it will go and back to being shitty Mealea. I just want to know why I’m like this. Why has it been like this for the past few years. Why is it getting worse every waking moment.
I don’t want to hurt the people I care about anymore. i don’t want to push them away anymore, but please tell me why the fuck I keep doing that.
Do I have depression? I have no clue, but it’s a possibility since both of my parents suffer from it. What exactly happened in my life that made me want to kill myself every waking moment? I swear every time I’m on the edge of a building or a structure where I could very easily end my life, I want to jump. I just look down and I want to jump. At the same time, I catch myself and ask why? Fucking why…
Just someone… anyone… tell me why I have a such horrible mindset for no reason.
It feels like it has been so long since I’ve really took my time and typed here. Well… you can say I’m sort of taking my time right now, we’re (our team) is just waiting on Rachel. Yes, more and more League @_@;
like I’m getting progressively worse for no apparent reason. Sigh, oh well, it’s just a game. Even so, I made so many new friends and gotten closer to people that I don’t usually talk to which is amazing. Anyways, there’s a tournament coming up this weekend and I’m very excited. Excited, but at the same time, I don’t really like losing v_v
Even though so many good things has come out of this game, I’ve realized that I’m starting to lose my patience more and more and overall, just angry. It’s starting to become a really bad habit that I need to learn to get over.
Aside from that, life has it’s ups and downs. School: Well I’m doing good this semester. Maintaining an A/B average so far. Haven’t been paying much attention to after school activities; I just want to relax this year.
Love: Francis and I has our ups and downs. I haven’t really explained to him why I get so jealous so easily and frankly, I don’t know how to. It’s just… I don’t know. I want to talk to him ALL the time and be with him as much as possible. Aside from him, I don’t have really anyone else to talk to. That, or care as much about the conversation. I sound selfish, getting mad every time he goes out or talks to another girl and calls them cute or call them pet names. I feel so selfish and it eats me up inside. That’s why I don’t say anything 90% of the time, which makes matters worse. And when I do say something, there’s always the risk of an argument breaking out. I try not to care as much because frankly, I don’t think he cares as much as I do about these things, but it puts a bad feeling in my stomach. It just feels like I’m no longer his best friend (Christina and Tram are); I’m just the bitchy girlfriend. I hate saying all this, but that’s always in the back of my mind. Sigh. Stupid Mealea.
Anyways, that’s all I have on my mind right now v_v
Bleh. I’ll continue this sooner or later.
I can’t make anyone fucking happy anymore. I’m too selfish and too bitchy to make anyone happy. My intent goes to waste if all I do is make people angry.
What’s the point of me being here?
What’s the point of me even being alive?
If all I do is cause problems. All I do is be a burden to everyone around me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all this to happen. I’m sorry for everything.
Sigh. Why am I so stupid
sometimes all the time? I hate myself for it, but I can’t help myself for it. Nearly everyday I get angry and take it out on the person I care about the most. I always do that and it makes me more angry. I’m hardly ever angry at him or anyone for that matter, but more so angry at myself for pissing him off cause… I am the way I am. My logic is shrewd and all kinds of fucked up and I apologize to those who tried to understand it.
Lately, I’ve been getting pissed off at the little things that I usually don’t get pissed off at. Once I realized that, it frustrates me more and more until I take it out on someone. No one deserves that from me, he doesn’t deserve that from me. I overthink things and it always turns into something horrible. Dumb Mealea. It’s either I care too much and get all jealous/mad over little things or I don’t care at all and just “whatever” everything. Stupid me. No wonder everyone leaves and just doesn’t want to be around me anymore. It’s understandable and unfortunately, it’s getting worst.
It has gotten so bad and that I’m afraid to tell him how I feel anymore. I don’t want him to get frustrated at me and go complain to someone else. It feels like right now that I’m just the bitch girlfriend. I’m not even his best friend anymore. I guess I can’t be both, which is unfortunate. Tram is his best friend now that he can go to, not me. Nothing against Tram or anyone; I just get jealous when people have his attention when I try to get his attention. It’s stupid and selfish of me, but I can never stop myself in the moment. It’s already hard enough to see him and talk to him face-to-face outside of school, I just want to be with him as much as I can inside of school. But alas, I try my hardest not to impose. Of course, there is the struggle that I face between selfishness and letting him do whatever he wants. I can tell that he sees that and I can tell that he gets frustrated at me for that.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the bullshit I bring to the table. I’m sorry for not being the type of girl you usually go for. I’m sorry for not being innocent and cute like Sandy or Tram. It’s all my fault for being such a shit and bitchy girlfriend. I always do or say something stupid because I care too much. I’m no where near being deserving of you. I have too many problems, too many issues, too insecure. And when I do feel happy and secure, there’s always someone who shits on it and say shit to make me feel insecure again like Aaron or Sam.
Why am I so fucking stupid?
Even though it was just for a little while and the situation wasn’t ideal, I’m happy that I got to see you. I am so very happy that I got to hold your hand and see your smiling face c:
Alas, it’s Christmas. To me, it’s another day… Maybe even worse. To be honest, I hate Christmas. I just say Merry Christmas because it’s the “right” thing to say at that time. In actuality, there isn’t a Christmas in this household, not even festive spirit. We hardly even speak to each other or look at each other in the eye.
“But hey, at least you have a family.” No. This isn’t a family anymore; just strangers living under one roof. It’s pretty pathetic and sad, but oh well I suppose.
Some days, I wish we can go back in time, when I actually tell my parents things and how my day was. Then I realize… the reason why I stopped talking to them was because they’d criticize every word that comes out my mouth. Every. Word. Every. Sentence. To the point where I can’t even say how I feel without getting yelled at.
“I feel pretty happy.”
“Why the hell are you happy? You don’t have any reason to be. Your grades are still below average, you didn’t achieve any accomplishments, etc.”
“I don’t feel too well. I’m sad.”
“Why the hell are you sad for? We give everything to you. Be happy that you’re doing better than half, if not all, of those niggers at your school.”
Can’t you just feel the frustration for years and years? This is why I choose to sleep the day away on the 25th.
Merry fucking Christmas to all.
Lucky and ungrateful bastards still bitching about not getting what they want for Christmas. Don’t even.
Ahh, winter break is almost here. I can’t wait! It’d seem that it’ll go by really fast though :(
But at the same time… I don’t mind it that much. Sure I want to have a long break and never think about school ever again. But. But… A part of me likes going to school. I like the challenge (sometimes haha) and it gives me something to do most of the day and of course, I get to see him everyday. I shouldn’t let a boy be my whole entire world… but everyday he is (or at least turning it into). I get to call him my boyfriend. Finally. I can say that Francis is my boyfriend and it just makes me giddy knowing that he is. I sound really love struck, but I’ve been love struck by him for nearly three years. It feels strange sometimes to be honest. Sometimes, I don’t believe it at all. I mean, it came from him rejecting me and stiff arming me to having his arms around me… in public. IN PUBLIC. It’s a surprise that everyone expected and wanted haha.
He makes me happy everyday. No matter how much of a foul mood I’m in, he will always get me to laugh a bit, smile a bit eventually. I can never stay mad at that kid for long.
He makes me feel beautiful and good about myself everyday too. That’s a huge thing to me. I’m sorry for having a low self-esteem and beating myself up a lot of the time, but he finds ways of making me feel… radiant haha. Even if it’s just the simple little things like saying I’m cute or that I look beautiful; it always gets me and I’m just happy because of him.
I can’t wait to be with him for the long run. We already talked about living together and planning our lives together and guess what? It could really happen. We’re almost out of the house and it could really happen. Of course I’m scared, but of course I’m ready to spend my life with him.
As each day goes by, I realize how much I truly love him with every ounce of my soul c:
Hello hello hello all.
Yesterday, I presented my senior exit and boy was it nerve racking T_T;
Haha. I think I did well overall though. Hopefully the teachers will go easy on derpy ole me. Meep. He said I looked very cute and beautiful. That made me very berry happy .///w///.
Anyways, a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, but it’s not over yet D: Stupid more school. So stupid. Senioritis is kicking my ass.
It’s Decemberrrrr, it’s cold.
Well not today. Apparently it’s 70 degrees or something; I wouldn’t know cause… I don’t go outside… Yeah.
Anyways, it’s almost the end of the year and wow, things have changed. In a span of a year, I grew up and I much more growing up to do. I’m still a kid though; forever acting like one because I’m too afraid to act serious (most of the time at least). My views on the world has changed, my heart has changed, and so many things have changed over the year of 2012; none of which I regret.
Around this time last year, I was dating Ricky. Ah, how much I fell for him and adored him until my very being shake. I never met a guy who loved me and spent much effort like he did and I was grateful. It was a good run for 8 or so months… then it ended.
As it ended, there was a new beginning and right now, that new beginning it what I’ve been waiting for all these years. So hey, no regrets (:
School on the other hand is poo. Forever poo. Dumb and poop.